Learning to Let Go
by stargrazer
Summary: One shot. Takes place several months after the end of X-2. Rikku returns to Bikanel and visits where Home once stood. Some angsting here and there on the girl's part, and some subject matter that deals with deathdeath of children.


It was still early and the sun hadn't risen, but Rikku was up and as hyper as usual. She had been so very very bored, bored enough that her thoughts trailed back to wondering what Nhadala and the others were doing out in Bikanel. What big digs they were working on without her. And somehow, thinking of that made her think about Home, and what it was like now...if anyone had gone back to search through the wreckage. And somehow...these thoughts had turned into a desire to go see the area, to see things with her own eyes. 

The petite blonde was slowly making her way through the desert, to where her wonderful Home once stood. She had hoped that her father would rebuild the civilization one day, but he had seemed to lose intrest once Zanarkand became a tourist attraction and money was to be made in other places. She didn't mind too much, though. All of her happy memories that related back to Home were still with her, and she knew they always would be.

Sliding down a large dune, the young woman paused at the bottom to look around. Usually she got lost when trying to find Home. But no, not today. She had promised herself that she wouldn't. There were things that needed to be seen, thoughts that needed to be sorted out. It had been several years since Home was destroyed at the hands of her father's airship, and she still hadn't managed to fully get over it. On the outside, she was the bouncy and happy go lucky little Al Bhed everyone relied on to be smiles and sunshine. But on the inside, the guilt and regret about the 'Home Incident' just hadn't gone away.

She was guilty...even if she really couldn't have prevented things from happening the way they did. If she had been Home just a bit earlier... if she hadn't even of left in the first place. Maybe, just maybe, she could've stopped the Guado from attacking. And then...she would still have her Home...and so many of her friends wouldn't be dead. They never knew how many people were trapped inside or just randomly walking around inside. Not everyone had been found and evacuated before Home was leveled. And that was the thing that bothered Rikku the most. It just...wasn't fair!

Huffing slightly as she climbed up the other end of the large dune, she prepared to see the remains of Home. She hadn't come here since that day, and knew it was going to be a shock to her. After some struggling, she finally reached the top and had to put on goggles to block the winds and sands being carried around. For several long moments, all she could do was stare out at the wasteland before her. She was suprised that the sand hadn't covered everything yet. For some reason, she thought it would have.

"Wooooah." She murmured, her legs moving all on their own free will as she suddenly started clumsily sliding her way down toward the wreckage.

She walked until she was about ten feet away from her childhood home and just stopped and stared. There wasn't much of anything left, really. A few signs of where buildings once stood here and there...the larger machina still remained as well. She wondered if there were still bodies inside, hidden amongst the ruins, but didn't dare go check. She wouldn't know what to do if she found any, so it was probably best that she stayed back.

Closing her eyes, she could still imagine what Home once looked like, and how busy of a city it was. There were always people running about...even late at night, you could hear the sound of people chattering and working on things. She remembered the school she had gone to growing up, that was where she had met Gippal. She wondered if the area still existed where she and Gippal had wrote their names in the wet cement. She was tempted to go look, but knew it would only make her more sad if it wasn't there. So she remained in place.

Her eyes still shut, her thoughts drifted over to the orphanage where she had helped raise and take care of so many children after she had turned thirteen. She loved spending time there, with the kids. The kids understood her and let her play mother to them, something she loved doing since she had lost her own mother at such a young age. Her guilt grew upon realizing that no one had evacuated the oprhanage on -that- day. Everyone was too paniced to worry about them, and unless they had found an adult on their own... they probably had died in the blast.

Realizing this made Rikku's emotions slip, and she soon felt tears attempting to pour out of her now squinted shut eyes. No...she didn't want to cry, but knew that was inevitable.

"E's cunno...E...cruimt'ja paah rana. E cruimt'ja bnudald oui. Ymm uv oui." (I'm sorry...I...should've been here. I should've protect you. All of you.) She murmured, speaking out to all the Al Bhed she had left behind, not just the children.

Her thoughts then trailed over to her mother's grave. She had made one for her mother, since her father had burned her body and scattered her ashes. It was hard for a six year old to try and understand why their mother was suddenly just gone, and so Rikku had made her mother a special grave out near one of the playgrounds. It had been the smaller, older playground that her mother had always taken her to. They loved to play on the swings together...

Rikku felt more and more tears flowing out of her eyes, and filling up the goggles. Annoyed with both her emotional behavior and the goggles themselves, she ripped them off and flung them out in the sand behind her as she collapsed down onto her knees.

"Susso...E's cunno. E cruimt'ja cyjat ajanouha, pid E luimth'd. E fyc rambehk Yunie... E luimth'd zicd mad ran tea. E muja ran ... pid E mujat Home yht ajanouha rana fru kud mavd pareht duu..." (Mommy...I'm sorry. I should've saved everyone, but I couldn't. I was helping Yunie... I couldn't just let her die. I love her ... but I loved Home and everyone here who got left behind too...) The girl sobbed, arms wrapping around herself as she rocked back and forth slightly.

"E luimth'd pa eh pudr bmylac yd uhla...E luimth'd. Yht E mad ymm druca baubma tea...ymm dra lremtnah E bnusecat du muja yht bnudald. E mad dras tea...ymm ymuha yht clynat." (I couldn't be in both places at once...I couldn't. And I let all those people die...all the children I promised to love and protect. I let them die...all alone and scared.)

The winds suddenly died down to a standstill, so the blonde cracked open a teary swirled eye and looked around. Without the sand moving around...things looked...peaceful. Even if they were destroyed and charred to a crisp, they were peaceful, at rest. That still didn't stop her from crying, or feeling guilty. Yes, things are at peace now, but they never would've been in turmoil in the first place if she had just been here to help fight, to protect her home and the ones she loved. But that meant that Yunie would've been less protected... and she knew that she never would've wanted that either.

"E ghuf oui'na fydlrehk ujan sa...pid cusadesac, E lyh'd vaam oui fedr sa yhosuna... E's cibbucat du pa umt ahuikr du syga so ufh lruelac, pid... E fyhd du zicd pa ramt yht lusvundat yht ryja oui yht tytto damm sa fryd du tu. E't keja yhodrehk du pa ceq ykyeh, nekrd huf." (I know you're watching over me...but sometimes, I can't feel you with me anymore... I'm supposed to be old enough to make my own choices, but... I want to just be held and comforted and have you and daddy tell me what to do. I'd give anything to be six again, right now.) She whispered, wiping away the tears only to have fresh ones start flowing.

She remained on the ground, huddled up and sobbing like a little girl for quite sometime. It could've been ten minutes, it could've been an hour, she wasn't sure. Time just seemed to melt together as she tried to sort through her own guilt. She found that it wasn't just going to go away, and that coming here only had made the guilt grow and become fresh again. Her tears eventually paused in flowing, and she lifted her head up to peer up at the sky. It was so clear and blue...and she could see it because the sands weren't swirling around like usual. The wind was still dead.

At least...until a soft gust of wind blew past, blowing Rikku's braids all about. For some reason, this caused her to laugh, and she slapped a hand over her mouth. She shouldn't be laughing in a place like this. It was just...not right to. But the wind seemed to want her to laugh, as it blew past her a few more times, the warm air kissing her face and causing her braids to fly about. This only caused Rikku to giggle more, and soon, she didn't even bother trying to hide it.

Why she felt so compelled to laugh, she didn't know. Whatever the breeze was carrying on it had a calming effect on the Al Bhed girl, and soon she was spinning out in it, arms outstretched. Kicking the sand up around her as she trompled around, she tilted her head back and grinned up at the sky. It seemed that the more she laughed and spun around, the stronger the winds got. Not really thinking about her actions, hands went up to her hair and she pulled off her headband and let loose her ponytail, so her hair could cascade down her back and be free in the wind. As she twirled around and giggled, she could feel her hair becoming a tangled mess, but she didn't care. Something about this...made her feel safe and happy again.

"Edc oui sysy... E ghuf ed ec." (Its you mama... I know it is.) She laughed as she tripped over her own feet from dizziness and fell back into the hot sand.

Smile growing wider, she moved her arms and legs about, wanting to feel more of the warm breeze. It blew over her a couple more times before things died down and returned to a standstill. She was a bit dissapointed in that but...honestly didn't mind. She was still too busy smiling for whatever reason. A hand went to clasp around the orange feather earring on her right ear, and a soft lullaby started emitting from her lips. Humming the familiar tune that her mother used to sing to her, it didn't take long at all for her to be in peace. She suddenly felt so content and peaceful that she could've slept right there in the sand.

That is...if it wasn't burning her backside. Crawling to her feet, she took one last glance at Home before tilting her head back to the sky. Yeah, she was still going to be guilty about the things that happened at Home, and she probably would never get over it. But...she didn't have to ever get over them...she just had to learn to live with the guilt and accept that the choices she made during the time of Home's destruction were the right choices. She couldn't of just left Yunie to go try and help with things back Home...she couldn't of known that things were going to happen the way they had.

"E muja oui...ajanouha. Acbaleymmo oui, Sysy. Yht...E's cunno. Pid... E ghuf oui tuh'd fyhd sa du pa. E ghuf edc hud so vyimd. Yht E ruba dryd oui'na ymm rybbo. Franajan oui yna." (I love you...everyone. Especially you, Mama. And...I'm sorry. But... I know you don't want me to be. I know its not my fault. And I hope that you're all happy. Wherever you are.)

She briefly had the desire to go to the farplane, to see if her mother or anyone else would show up if she thought about them hard enough. Knowing that was a stupid idea, she simply snorted and shook her head. Crouching down to pick up her goggles, she resecured them around her neck before heading back up the side of the dune. She needed to get back into civilization. Then maybe she'd help out Nhadala with a few digs in Bikanel, or drop by Djose to make sure things were running smoothly. She needed something, anything to do. Boredom led her mind to wandering, and that mind wandering ended up in trips back to sad places, with sad memories. Didn't want that happening anymore. It only ended in tears.


End file.
